It Was Him
by ZiOfShadows
Summary: A short story mostly about Joker. I can't really explain it so I guess you'll just have to read it xP Spoilers if you haven't played Mass Effect 2 and probably won't make sense if you haven't played ME2 . That's all...


"Commander!" Joker yelled through the debris of the Normandy, knuckles turned white as his hold on his seat was so tight. He watched as Shepard was swept back-wards, he heard the metallic sounding gasp that echoed through her suit, stared as she clung to an edge of the Normandy that was falling to pieces after the attack of the Collectors.

He couldn't hear anything, it was all in slow motion, his eyes were fixed unblinking on the Commander's form, the woman he'd fallen in love with... the woman, he suddenly realized, that would never hear his confession.

"Shepard!!" He screamed and gave a vain attempt to get up again, but before he could find his legs the Commander's hand had shot down on the button and the escape pods doors slid to a close.

"NO!" Joker screamed and battled against the harness which held him in place even as he felt the pod eject. "Shepard!" He yelled again, brittle tears brimming in his eyes. No one could hear him, no one could see him, the pilot who was suddenly filled with grief and anger... It was him. She'd tried to save him. And now she was alone...

"Shepard..." Joker whispered, letting his head fall forward into his hands. He tried to stifle the sob that was rising up in his chest, but found it impossible. His shoulders heaved and a husky, weakened cry left his mouth. The pain wouldn't be forced back.

Tears began to run down his face, tilting into the crevices that usually formed his smirk, leaking over his lips as he succeeded in pushing the sobs back. His teeth gritted and he snatched his helmet off and threw it to the floor of the pod, watching as it hit and the rolled off to the far end.

He frowned, ignoring the damp coldness that touched his cheeks, and glanced up from the helmet, suddenly seeing the window of the pod. His eyes widened, his heart felt as though it had stopped, and he gave a silent gasp as he watched through the window as the Normandy exploded and crumbled in the distance.

And there, a small speck somewhere far off, Joker could just make out the image of the Commander, falling through space, limp... and dead. He knew it. He felt it. The hero, the savior, the Commander of the Normandy... whatever she was, no one could survive that. Not even her.

His eyes dropped and he found it hard to breathe. The air in the pod was clean, but the air in his lungs felt polluted and sickening. _It's your fault! Your the reason the Normandy's just crumbled, you should have been paying more attention! It's your fault that the Commander is..._ He couldn't even think it. Blame, grief and sheer pain echoed in his mind and he dropped his head back to the hit the wall behind him.

"Commander... Shepard..." He cried, staring up at the ceiling of the pod through blurry tears, seeing the bright beeping lights and yet not seeing anything at all. "I'm sorry..." His chest heaved as the sobs came and he forced his eyes closed, hands tight and gripping the sides of the chair. "I'm so sorry." He managed to say louder.

_You didn't get to play the hero. You loved her, you moron, and you let her die. She came back for you! She rescued you! If you'd just given up on the Normandy she'd still be alive!_ His mind yelled at him.

Joker didn't even try to protest to his minds taunts. He knew it was true. It was him... it was his fault.

"I'm so sorry..." He repeated, his breathing returning to normal so slowly, the tears lessening as he realized that crying wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't take away the pain. He unclenched a hand and released the seat, lifting it to place it on his arm where Shepard had grabbed him. It had hurt, but now the bruise felt almost soothing compared to the ache and emptiness that filled him.

"Shepard..." He whispered, staring into nothingness, holding the spot where she'd touched him. He closed his eyes, pictured her in his mind, finding comfort in knowing that she wouldn't blame him - she always forgave, but never forgot. She was a paragon, almost an angel in his mind. His eyes closed again, a single remaining tear drifting down his cheek and he whispered through the silence of the pod, the stars racing by as he finally confessed;

"I love you."

---

OOC: This just came to me, randomly. I should be unpacking since I just moved yesterday, but this story jumped into my mind and that was it. Had to be written. I wasn't sure whether to end it there or add more, I could have added another paragraph or more I suppose, but I thought that this is more in keeping with the traditional story - end on a sweet note.

Joker's personality doesn't really show in this. I mean, I've always thought of him as the type of character who masks his pain behind sarcasm, but sarcasm would have to fail him eventually. I figured no amount of jokes would help him in this situation, and the addition that he's alone in an escape pod probably didn't help him a whole lot.

So yeah, as usual blame my muse Vitalini; he's refusing to concentrate on anything and flatly ignoring the story Unbreak My Heart - I've _tried_ to convince him to get back to writing that story but he ignores me. Apparently he likes one-shots lol.

So yeah, opinions and reviews and favorites are all awesome, so let me know what you think :] Hope you enjoy.

- Zi && Vitty.


End file.
